Synopsis of The Copper Kettle Chronicles

By Clare Bostock © 2010

You could say these chronicles have been passed down through the ages, every character reformed. Some have lost it? Some coveted it like Winnie Partridge and the Go-lightlys. And for some of us, bought it for vast sums of money like our Bridie. These chronicles are the secret to fun, laughter and eternal youth, chronicling the lives of a small group of people with BIG HEARTS, in a small café in Liverpool. Although traditions and sayings centuries old, there is an Auntie Peg in Paris as there is in on Scottie. You don't have to be 'too posh to wash' to read them, then again our Cissy wouldn't agree with ye, having a degree and them letters after her name.

So! If you live in the humdrum of life and the nearest you get to a smile is a yawn, these are not the chronicles for you. But if your life is as colorful as Auntie Peg's Rainbow Tick List, then choose your color. Laughter is the key to happiness and a whole lot of fun, you will have a greater insight to what awaits you at seventy, the true magnificence of your life revealed. My chronicles I hope? Will make you smile and at some points infect you with fits of laughter, but most of all they are the key to Forever Young.

So come on in you are invited around our extended Oak Companion Table, get out them Majesty Wave Gloves and Bone China, Lady Grey to the ready and more-ish biscuits to dunk in.

Love Auntie Peg x

"The Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 1

© Clare Bostock 2005

Weekly Update "Al Timers Club"

Members - Peg (Team Leader) - Olwyn- Madge - Beryl - Gwladys - Morag - Bridie - Agnes - Vida

Meeting Place - The 55 Bus Stop - Scottie Road - Time 7.17pm

Destination - "The Bucky Bingo", Bootle.

Hello Ladies,

Albert can't pick us up this week in his Fizz Bomb camper van so! It's the usual meeting place by the 55 bus stop. Before we head off we don't need a packed lunch, most of us will have had brunch at the "League of Well-Dooers" fine! For those who haven't? Tough. This weeks Bingoing Mad Special Offer? Wait for it, a Charles and Camilla plate next week the cup. You also get a free dabber and a ticket for "Cheese Pie Mushy Peas n Gravy". Bridie's gonna drop off at the woman who sells the ciggys, she only sells L&B so make sure ye bring ye inhaler! We don't want Burt Butterworth giving anyone the kiss of life now do we? Ye know what he's like he has Bangers n Mash covered in HP sauce it's all around his mouth, an I'm quite sure you don't want any leftovers in ye mouth from them gigantic nashers. So! If ye don't want his debris in ye mouth? Stick to ye Ventolin. Now let's get one thing straight the Bucky have gone no smoking so! It's like supermarket sweep at the interval tryin te have a puff. Do not leave Olwyn with the tickets she never brings her glasses, instead of playing Bingo, she ends up doin Dot to Dot. One night she'd brought her glasses for distance and missed the Bingo Book, when we all got back she'd stamped dabber pen all over her hands, Vida was on the phone to the doctor at N.H.S Direct who come to the Bingo to see her, as they advised not to move her? She then said she needed the Lav! As you know she suffers with incontinence, whilst she's in the Lav? Gwladys is conducting Prayer hoping that Olwyn's okay? The Doctors waiting eagerly for her to come back, she doesn't understand the fuss? Olwyn sits down Gwladys is white "It's a miracle she's cured" the Doctor examines her, "The rash is disappeared it seems?" "So sorry to trouble you Doc" she said but I have only been the toilet and washed me hands. Vida points out to the rest of the girls the large left hand print on the table next to the small pile of Bingo Books, by it is the red dabber pen, now run out with an imprint of a thumb on a Bingo book. "Have you got them distance glasses on again girl, Vida shouts at her" Olwyn starts crying "Ye see I knew I'd forgotten me glasses, I need me reading specs I couldn't find them. And without them on girl how can I see what I'm looking for? I was scared to tell you, coz ye start shoutin at me!" She is a bit bossy Vida especially when she's havin a flush. The conclusion that she'd dabbed her hand tryin te keep up with Marty the Bingo caller when Vida had stood in the cue for the First Royal Souveneir. She wasn't impressed when she realised it wasn't as good as a "Lladro" She's expensive taste has Vida.

It's buy one get one free this week so! Make sure ye get the bus stop early, Bridie has to leave 20 minutes before as she's having trouble with her Bunions and Corns. She cut holes in the sides of her shoes to give her some compfort. They are poppin out a bit, don't mention them though ye know how vain she is? She get's annoyed. Vida has been told to leave the M&M's this week "Martini and Martell" as Betty Butterworth gets jealous as she's on the Cherry Brandy and not the real M'Coy. Last week Marty the Bingo caller wanted to search her bag, he thought she was sneakin ale in? When he asked her about the Martini and Martell she thought he said "You smell" and she was nearly barred. Also don't ferget ye Bus Pass, I know 40 odd years ago it was don't ferget ye Passport and ye toothbrush, being whisked away off ye fella. Ferget the past just remember ye Poli- Grip Beryl girl, remember last week those teeth your Stanley bought ye off ebay, fell out coz thee were too big. Jimmy Fisher ended up getting them out of your Brown Ale it wasn't a pretty sight as he'd just been the Lav and hadn't washed his hands. Now thee don't call him Jimmy Inks o Fish for nothing if ye know what I mean?

Gwynnie Mellor gets there early, cues up so lets get a head start racin for the seats as Winnie Partridge sits by her and she always smells of kippers, she's quite an advertisement for Cats as she has pretty long whiskers.

Now this week is supposed to be the National? It's apparently when all the Bingo's go mad and join together. I haven't a clue as Iv'e only been going a couple of weeks so! All wear your drip strips incase of any dribbles. The only National I'm aware of is when Red Rum won at Aintree. Now Ethel Summers might turn up, Morag said she seen her in the Red Cross shop buying a new mini skirt, she's threw a purple rinse on her hair and had a perm. So if she turns up remember she's Bridie's Sister- in- law be quiet when ye janglin! Put your hearin-aids on full volume before you get in. Now Bridie wears that Fake Bake stuff? I only know what Pan Yan is so! She forgets she's 62 be kind, as she still gets her highlights done by "Sherbert" Herbert's apprentice. Now Morag is coming in her Motorobility-tility car I'm not sure of the name, don't mention it to Bridie as she only gets £2.40 extra on her pension, when she had her medical the Doctor said her Bunions-Spring Onions were 2mm short for the £10.00 rise. Then she didn't qualify for the car? She's heartbroken she's still gotta get the bus. Don't forget Morag can only fit four in coming home so we will pick names outta Burt Butterworth's hat before we leave. So first one who gets picked leg it out? Sorry Agnes girl you'll have to start takin lessons for ye Zimmer. Now if Ethel does turn up don't start laughin get ye hankys out and pretend your sneezing! Be gentle with Vida she might start picking up ye Bingo Books using them as a fan, and ye might miss ye numbers being called as ye know, Marty is the "Fastest Bingo Caller in the North West" coz Vida still says she's havin a flush and going through the "Change" at 69? I think it's the M&M's meself?

Oh well girls see ya next Tuesday at "The Copper Kettle" for our fortnightly meeting, I'll update you on the fella's trip to Chester Races that should be a load of fun n frolics! So Traa for now and look forward to an Update on Our Day Out

Love Auntie Peg!

"The Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 2

© Clare Bostock 2005

Al Timers Mens Club! "Our Day out te Chester Races"

Members - Arthur - Dunc - Onslo - Giles.

Meeting Place - The Copper Kettle Café Scottie Road

Time - 10.09am

Destination - Chester Races

Arthur rang Dunc on his mobile at 8.27am precisely, making sure Onslo n Giles knew where thee were meetin? As Giles n Onslo ar from over the Posh side the "Wirral". He wanted te make sure thee both knew what time thee were getting the Ferry, so thee make their bus connection in time te meet the Charror Bang? Arthur's the Team Leader as he likes te take control, he used te be a Union rep fe the fella's in the local Darts Team, ye know? Makin sure thee had plenty of rest an pints n stuff before the match he used te bring pillows te sit on, an once he brought a quilt. Until he realised he was goin too far, the lads were takin advantage ye see it's all the jetlag and Siesta's from his hols, he's got a time share in "Tossa de Mar" He won a few bob on the pools a few years ago so! He's ar very own millionaire. It was getting that way ye see opening is gob all the time, the Head of the Darts Federation said thee were havin too much alcohol before a match and put a stop te the drinking. Apparently? Thee were losin all the matches coz thee couldn't focus, so in turn thee lost their sponsor. Onslo is especially kitted out in a dickie bow n shirt, neatly pressed trousers ready fe ar day out! He's ar very own "King of Vintage an a Cuppa tea" he will defo come back as a tea bag! He's made a special effort an been te Oxfam twice this week makin sure he's co-ordinated te dated. Arthur said not te worry he spoke te them last night, he's in the middle of getting ready and changing is Colostomy- postomy bag, the other ones leakin so! He wants a fresh one fe the trip. Onslo had asked Giles do thee need their Passports fe the Ferry n Charror Bang? Giles started laughin an Onslo's not too impressed so! Don't be surprised if the not speakin on the back of the bus? Their serposed te be partners today but now thee'l have te swop. The Weather Forecast said it was goin te be rainin an cold on "Live n Jive" so! That was good enough reason fe Dunc te start ringin round asking the lads if thee want any Long Johns imported from Spain? He's now doin Long John runs instead of the ciggys. Maggie Moonlight as she's famously known has taken over his patch, she's the woman who Bridie visits for her L&B she can't half run Maggie Moonlight -Flit! Especially when she's bein chased fe floggin stuff by the Bizzies, she's the one who told Bridie about the inhaler! That's why she can run so fast, two puffs an she's "Zola Budd" So as ye can guess Dunc is now inte Thermals. He doesn't do much business in the Summer but marvellous in Winter!

Giles n Onslo have just got of the bus an have walked over te "The Copper Kettle" Madge the cook has asked them do thee wanna brew n scone while their waitin? Ye don't have te ask Onslo twice "Cuppa Tea" I don't know why she asks?

Giles stands up he can hear ringin in his ear? He looks outta the winder thinking the other two ar about te arrive, he thought he could hear Dunc's new mobile! Slash! Remote control? When he realizes it's the battery in his earin-aid. Now Onslo's a bit of a dancer so! Burt Backrash is singin in the background on "Live n Jive" he starts doin the "Shoe box shuffle" don't ask me what that is? I only know the dance Gwladys does around her handbag in the "Barabarabaloo" in Liverpool City Centre she looks great in white high heels. Dunc and Arthur have just turned up, half of Scottie is on the street, Dunc has got a 40 year "Vintage Rolls" his son Rodney got him outta the auctions fe his 64th Birthday. Only! Only an aerial for the Radio is stuck on the front so! So he's got a flag on it with his personal Coat of Arms on "First up Best Dressed Dunc's Thermals are Best" Instead of a Lion there is a picture with a pair of Long Johns on, with his trademark black wig as a Crown. Very Regal. So ye can quite imagine they thought the Queen was visitin the "Copper Kettle" then out pops Arthur with an Harrods bag covering his Colostomy-postomy- bag and Dunc with his fake Polex- he is Royalty the "King of Bling-Blag". The charror bang arrived and Russell the driver as said "no eating or smoking" on the back of the bus. Onslo's mad an starts lightin up outside, he's got four ciggy's lit up at once. Mavis is swillin outside starts screamin! She thought she's just bumped into "Edward Scissor hands" Giles n Onslo still aren't speakin much becoz of this mornings incident so!! Dunc an Giles have had te swop partners. Arthur is now next to Onslo when Arthur starts te sniff! "Sniff! Sniff! Pooh! Pong! Eeeh!" I can smell finny addi? Paddy O'Reilly musn't have changed one of the fella's at the front of the bus representin "Mass-ter-class Mens Club" Only then he realises it could be a split in his Colostomy- Postomy bag where his Grandson Porsche has stapled the Harrods bag over the postomy bag so no one knows what he's wearing. He starts to panic! Then he leans forward toward Onslo an sniffs! Onslo jumps up bashes his head and his teeth fall out. Ye I know Beryl we'll have to stop ye opening ye mouth and telling every Tom Dick and Harry that your Stanley can get them off e-bay. I'll make sure Olwyn and Gwladys cancel their orders, I 'm sorry I know it's ye Bingoing mad money girl but! Someones gonna choke girl and you'll get the blame Stanley il end up in Prison and you'll be an apprentice an end up on a tag! An ye wanna collect thee whole range of Royal Souvenirs fe ye mantelpiece where ye gonna put them girl I don't know so! Onslo drops his Tupperwear floor and out falls the yeller fish. Dunc starts laughin? Whats that? "Well" said Onslo "I'm not payin them prices my Mildred did me a packed lunch" what is he like? "God help us if Oxfam did second hand food"

They get to the gates and what do you think happens? Arthur gets off the bus with the passes and heads to the front of the cue all the others tag behind kickin off. Well not literally girls only Ernie Shackle's false leg comes flyin off, as he's tryin te sneak in behind Arthur. The step is bit high so I bet ye that was a hurdle fe Ernie. Now don't get him drunk coz he starts singin " I'm the fastest runner with a false leg in the North West" Arthur gives in the passes "Sorry not valid" the man says removing them from the cue. "What do ye mean not valid don't you know who I am" he's fuming "I don't care who you are mate not valid ye don't get in" ye see he might think he's royalty in Liverpool but the same old braggin that he won the Pools a few years ago, don't wash in Chester. He starts reelin off all these names from The Crown Boozer in Norris Green ye know celeb royalty n that. It doesn't wash! Then Onslo notices a fella a representative from "Martell" his daughter went to University with his daughter. Lord Julian Fairchild "Lord Fairchild" Onslo's prayin he remembers him "Is that you Onslo my son?" he's chuffed "Yes it is Lord Fairchild how is Saskia?" Onslo's smile has near brought a Rainbow to the entrance of Chester Races one Aunt Peg would be made up of to compare her girl's colours on her Rainbow list. Very well, a Barrister at the Old Bailey I do hope Penny an the family are fine, you must come to tea I have your number I will call you. Why are you out there?" Embarrassed "Apparently our tickets are not valid a mix up" He ushers to the ticket master "A quiet word" Arthur is fumin! The ticket master opens the rope and lets them in. Onslo's tickled Pink an thinks "Put that in ye Pipe n smoke it maty" Dunc buts in "I could have got tickets from the Queens Arms or the Raging Bull an got us in" Giles says "Be fair lad it never comes off?" Promises Promises. No I don't mean the wig? Giles starts sniggerin Duncs wig has started to move to the back and the transplant starts to show through. "Now don't ferget Dunc has originally got black hair and his transplant wus Ginger. Anyway thee get in and as they are heading towards the enclosure Arthur meets a mate who's a bookie "No girls he's not a person who always reads books, he's a man who places the bets so!" They pick out the names of their horses, Arthur picks "Union Jack" and "Continental Quilt". As Dunc's into Flags and he also likes to follow the leader so does he, he also picks "Mile High Club" and "Everythings Real" as he's the King of Bling Blag. Now Onslo picks "Whistle n Flute" and "Second Hand Rose" Giles picks "Too Posh to Wash" and "The Grass is Greener on the Other Side|". They are at the starting post off thee go! They are all biting their nails? Too Posh to Wash" stops to bathe at a puddle "Second Hand Rose" falls at the second hurdle. Then "The Grass is Greener on the Other Side" jumps the fence and runs away. "Everythings Real" comes 8th "Whistle n Flute" comes 4th "Mile High Club" comes last and Arthur thinks he's onto a winner when "Continental Quilt" falls asleep. They are gutted with the tips from Arthur, they all spent £10.00 each outta their Pension. When along comes Harry "The Thermal Vest Hoister" Duncs partner offering them a loan? They decline Arthur decides to order Prune Pompagne, they'll all have the wildies on the way home. No chance fe the real McCoy now is thee says Arthur as there is no Mild or Bitter. Oh well Arthur is glad he changed his Colostomy Postomy Bag, and Onslo's glad his Mild did him a packed lunch of Yeller Fish as he's starving he tucks in! Duncs now skint tryin te sell his fake Polex? No joy!

Back on the Charror Bang they are all not speakin and off go their earin-aids fe a bit of comfortable silence. There back at the meeting point and thee all decide te head off home as there is no money fe "The Queens Arms" or "The Ragin Bull" Arthur a bit of a ragin bull now. Out comes the bus passes fe Giles an Onslo "See Ya next week lads" Lord Arthur and the King of Bling Blag get in the Rolls an head off down Scottie towards "The Crown" Norris Green they pretend "Formby" Blue Blood ye see!

So as ye can see no one is talking and we have just heard Dunc has decided te cancel his Membership fe the "Al Timers- Over the Hill Club" and joined the "Mass-ter Class Mens Club" Apparently it's better? They are offerin jobs as bouncers on the door of the local church so he took one.

God help Winnie Partridge as she'll end up spending all her Pension on one of Dunc's blags! Spring Water bottled and named "Holy Baloney" eh! Dunc lad get te Confession.

Well Girls see ya next week the Girls ar off the Vernon Prangster Gym - Don't ferget ye clothing colour from me Rainbow List.

Love Auntie Peg!

"The Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 3

© Clare Bostock 2005

Weekly bulletin update!

The "Al Timers" girl's go the gym "Oh no here thee come eeek!"

Meeting place- The 26 Bus Stop the other side of Scottie Road, three quarters of a yard away from the Copper Kettle Café. "It's better for you Bridie you won't hav te walk so far, I know youv'e got Coronation Corn Plasters on ye corns and ye Bunions- Spring Onions, ar rubbin a bit so! Leave 10 minutes earlier okay girl". Destination- Vernin Prangster Sportzie- Only 9 bus stops away from ars! The keepin fit while getting old class. The Opposition- Winnie Partridge and the "Go-Lightlys"

Dress Code- All wear ye best leggins and don't attempt te ferget ye numbered sweat bands? Be warned now make sure you ar co-ordinated- t-dated no mixed colours, remember what colour ye ar from ar "Rainbow List so?" If yerv'e forgot I'll remind ye. "Wev'e gotta get the 17D Bus it drops us outside so! Make sure youv'e all taken ye Cod Liver Oil and Evening Primrose. I suggest again Bridie girl ye bring ye Ventolin, just incase ye need te have a puff in between the warm up! Listen all remember te shave ye legs if ye wearin them 4 quarter leggings?"

Bridie turned up at the bus stop with "I wanna be Fitter than Fonda" T-Shirt on an her 999 sweat bands just incase of an emergency. She's the colour Orange ternight, the colour co-ordinates with her Fake Bake Tan. Olwyn has put her glasses on ternight an tied a lazzie band around her ears, she's usin them fe goggles when she's finished her workout, so she can go fe a swim. Agnes as we all know has just got engaged to her Russell, he has bought her a Bobbie Dazzler from that Elizabeth Duke- "She's now known as the Duchess of Argos" she's serposed te be a Royal Jeweller? I'll hav te ask Cecil te ask Dunc, they mix in the Celeb n Royal Circles ye know? With them livin by the Crown. So! I want ye te sing congratulations at the bus stop. Gwladys has asked does any one want any steroids te rub on their muscles? She got two tubes thee other day off the doctor fe her flaky skin, an thought it might do the girls sum good if thee rub it on their muscles te make them stronger? But Bridie has said she'll offer her inhaler around fe anyone who hasn't got one? Morag has informed me she's got piles so! She'll hav te stay on the runnin machine. Vida's stopped drinkin for a couple of weeks, she's spending too much on the Martini and Martell, so she's now taken te fillin Spring Water bottles left over from her girlie nights, and started fillin them with "United Utility Champagne!" She's brought them in a cooler bag te swig in between the warm up. Her number fe today is 333-333 "Alcoholics Anonymous" incase she slips in the Step Class? She's come dressed in Green "God help us if she's havin a flush an in a mood?" Apparently she's on a green day on her diet at the "Weekly Weigh in Club" so that should keep her focused. Beryl and Agnes arrived, Beryl's come as 207-3444 the number of "Just- in White" her Private Dentist, her colour is purple apparently it makes her calmer? Agnes however has come as 0800-444-444 Argos Direct incase she loses her Bobbie Dazzler in the baths? Her colour is Pink te match her nerve rash on her neck. Gwladys has come as "I don't believe it, she thinks she's in the Barabarabaloo in Liverpool City Centre" She's come as 708 her number fe Disc three on the Karaoke "Sing Alellua" fe God's sake girl I said come as something use-full numbers fe emergency so no-one has te be 118-118. Iv'e come as ar Hilda me next of kin 207-7080, so now we will hav te stand tegether turn ar headbands halfway round an be something use-full, incase we miss the bus home we will then be 708-7080 "Davey Driver Cabs" she's come in Yeller, the colour te match her Halo! Iv'e come as Red ternight coz that is what I'll see if ye don't match me "Rainbow Tick List" and ye clothing colour doesn't match ye name.

"Right Bridie you will hav te look out fe the bus! Youv'e had that "Lazer Blazer" treatment on ye mince pies so! If ye see the 17D bus comin, stick out ye leg point ye high heel in the air an make sure it stops okay girl?" Ye know how organised I am girls an ye know what were like when wev'e finished? Were knackered so! On the front of ar team bibs which hav now changed te fluorescent yeller is a letter! Which at the end spells "Done in" I know ye hate wearin them but! It's incase theres a blackout so I can identify ye! Thee also come in handy girls when yerv'e washed them at home after a workout, if yer a bit skint before Pension day an the lekky goes. Hang them at the back of your front door so ye know where ye headin. Then at least ye can go an knock a neighbour te lend ye a fiver fe a lekky card. At least when we all stand tergether if anyone is askin "Whats wrong" an we can't breathe coz theres no pump left in Bridie's Ventolin, we can all stand up tergether an communicate in silence.

Right girls get ye locker key off Wilma an I'll meet ye inside the class, give us ye tape Gwladys "Oh yes the Best of Burt Backrash" Winnie Partridge has beat me to it so her tapes on first. Everyone heads toward their favourite piece of equipment.

Morag's on the running machine so is Olwyn, Bridie's on the Boxing Pads, Vida is doin Step Aerobics, Beryl is doing a circuit, Agnes is on the Yoga mat she's takin no chances with her ring! I'm also tryin out the Step class as the numbers ar co-ordinated te dated just as I like them. Alma Jones see's Olwyn on the runnin machine an trips on Aggie's Yoga mat an knocks the dial on "Super Fit Fast" Olwyn's legs are movin that fast ye can't see her? She's fallin uncontrollably tryin te reach the button. On comes Winnie's tape "I'm caught in a trap" an in the next room fading out in the background is "Please release me let me go" she's in a mess! Vida jumps up an races over and stops the button - as she's slowing down she's hyperventilating white as a ghost, the rush is on fe Bridie's Ventolin an on comes "Pump up the jam" Olwyn's not too impressed. "Breathe girl breathe" her glasses have come loose so Agnes tightens them a notch around her left earlobe. She starts breathing heavy her head looks a little blue, her mouth has widened an her eyes have become half shut, she looks ill? Bridie starts screaming "Loosen the lazzie band Agnes she can't breathe" I tell ye what tho Bridie ye know ye get ye Botox te totox done by that Jim ll fixit de tixit that French Cosmetic Surgeon? Cheap solution a bag of lazzie bands. But! Don't pull them too tight or yel end up like that Lesley Bash! I'm blowing the whistle she's too sick we will have te get her home "Come on girls locker key and kit bags lets go" Red, Yeller, Pink, Green, Orange, Purple, and Olwyn's definitely Blue. Thee all hold hands with their partners and head fe the bus stop? There's a plane flying really low, it's very dark by now by the Vernin Prangster, all the girl's glow in the dark. "Quite peculiar" say's Vida" It is low that plane quick duck".

Love Auntie Peg!

"Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 4

© Clare Bostock 2005

Meeting Place - The Copper Kettle Café Scottie Road

Time - 10.41am precisely.

A discussion to organize arrangements for the day trip to choose a Mobility Scooter with Morag! Also a Color Co-ordination Chat - Known to us girls as C.C.C.
Destination- "Morag goes shopping fe a new Mobility Scooter to "Speels Deals on Mobi Wheels" London Road.
Right this week as we all know we are goin with Morag shopping, you maybe aware that Beryl phoned Morag last week to tell her that Stanley seen Mobility Scooters on ebay? Apparently there's a few scooters on there that are cheap enough fe Morag, as ye know how care-full she is with money? She's been dyin fe one fe ages, since seein Maggie Mooney from the "Go Lightly's Weekly Weigh In Club" drivin along Greatie on one. She had a little basket on the front fe her bitsa shoppin n stuff, so that'll suit Morag down to a t! But! Vida told her that the shop on London Road sells scooters that are the "Jaguar" of Mobi wheels? A bit pricey but! At least then ye can compare prices to those on ebay? It's worth a try at least. Well it is an excuse fe the girls to have a day out. Right first I need to organize a color scheme for the trip. Iv'e brought a packet of felt tips with me that the Gran-kids left the weekend. There is a full range of colors to choose from, instead of using our usual "Rainbow List" it will make a change and give us more of a variety. I think we will all have to agree on the same color, as town gets a bit hectic on a Satd'y so! What color do ye fancy girls? I decide, Red it is! I'm feeling a bit stressed today so no janglin between yourselves please, I've been up most of the night re-arranging me cupboards. Arthur put H.P Beans before Heinz next to me tins, so as ye can guess I re-arranged the lot. I wouldn't mind I only opened it te make sure he hadn't moved nothing else? I started at 8.00pm and I didn't finish till gone 11.27pm precisely. I'm getting them child lock things te put on them, I'm sick of him moving things around. I mean it's not much te ask is it just keep me tins in line and in alphabetical order? Because of him I ended up having te bleach inside the cupboards, polish the outside and D.R /Date Rotate. I heard him muttering to himself "I hate Date Rotate" several times. I got a bit annoyed an asked him what he was saying? The scaredy cat said "Nothing love, just saying I left the cupboard in a right state" Ye see? He knows what side his bread his buttered on! Equal amounts of butter spread edge to edge he knows I check, I notice he shakes a little when buttering the bread or toast I don't see why tho? I'll have te tell him te get the doctors I do worry about him. Anyway enough of my O.C.D/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder back te the trip. We will practice our "Majesty Wave" today, just incase we see anyone we know outta the bus winder heading toward town? It's best te be prepared, I will also be conducting "Nail Patrol" ensuring ye have spotless nails and they are shaped top to the left, top to the right. I want them top notch, showin ye bus passes te the driver! Ye never know a Blakey (Bus Conductor) could get on okay girls! Ye seem a bit bored Agnes girl am I keeping ye awake? Sleep in ye own time please. Right! Beryl also wants a "Portable Urine Lav" she might get one in the shop next door te Speels? "Lost ye Agility? Get down te Fragility Disability" it's serposed te be excellent fe all ye mobility needs? I believe they sell cheap Ultra Absorbent Incontinence Pads too! Scented ones. I'll have te tell Winnie Partridge it'll take the edge of the "Kipper" smell? I'll mention them as if I'm letting her in on a secret of course. Beryl reckons the urine lav will come in handy when we are going on Charror Bang day trips? I don't fancy it meself. Morag is in te motorbikes as ye know so! She also wants a Leather Suit an Helmet te match! Bridie said she seen Gywinnie Mellor on a scooter comin out of the Aldi. She put her Aldi Bag in a Marks n Spencer one the cheat, then popped it inte her basket! Bridie has said te Morag I'll help ye choose ye color? An ye may as well go thee whole hog! Get Goggles, Gloves and Boots te match but ye can't get baby pink as Gywinnie Mellor has got that color. Apparently when she came out of the Aldi she headed off toward Walton Road, all the cars were beepin? She's also dyed her hair blonde, an only on the side of her Mobility Scooter is a sticker with "Barbies Grandma" the shame. Anyway she caused a pile up and ended up getting nicked by the Bizzies fe givin cheek, she didn't have her earin-aid on full volume the Bizzie was telling her she'd caused a pile up? She only heard "Pile" she then went inte her basket and pulled out Preparation H Pile Ointment- and said yerv'e got a pile lad internal or external? This is for external so! The scooter was towed away and she got nicked an put inte the back of a Bizzie Car. She noticed Bridie laughin so she pulled tongues at her isn't she cruel, no wonder the Bizzie nicked her. They have never got on she's a bit jealous of Bridie so they try to out do one another all the time. Because Gywinnie is a member of the "Go-lightlys" they are known as the opposition, by all the members of the "Copper Kettle" Te make it worse the desk Sergeant at Saint Annes Street was a retired C.I.D Officer doin light duties! He fell in love with Gwynnies finger- nails when he was takin her dabs {Finger prints} To top it all off? His name is only "Ken" so now he's got a sticker on the front window of his car " Barbie n Ken 21 again!" The shame, ye see pinching tips from ar beauty nights, when she was nosing in on ar conversation thee other week at the Bucky Bingo. Remember in future girls revert back to speakin in code. We will make new ones next week I'll look on that "Inspector Morse" fe ideas? Right see ya Tuesday, we will meet outside Saint Anthonys Church.

Iv'e brought me whistle incase we get lost, Morag girl Bridie said go for Gold! Very Regal, I know ye don't live by the Crown but! Livin by Beryl's dentist "Just- in- White" qualifies ye! As he does crowns too so! At least ye can practice ye "Majesty Wave" when ye passin on ye new scooter. Just keep ye wits about ye don't go too fast incase ye crash! Bridie an Agnes ar looking at the moving beds they ar serposed te be good fe ye back. Bridie's not too impressed nothing fe Bunions n Corns lad? Agnes is yawning! Come on girl keep awake ye need te get te bed early I'm getting sick of ye yawning, if ye that fed up ye don't have te come. Olwyn's looking at new Zimmer frames fe Agnes, as she's havin her Zimmer done up with Ivy n Carnations instead of a bouquet fe her wedding. Agnes soon livens up at the mention of wedding, she told Vida she also wants little flashin lights intertwined in between the flowers, as Russell hasn't got very good eyesight so he can see her comin down the aisle! Gwladys has headed straight toward the "Sit on a chair if ye can't climb the Stair" lifts. The Salesperson is not too impressed, theyv'e all split up an are all over the shop Beryl's got the girl harassed fe various urine lav's which ones hold the most liquid? Morag tries out a Scooter, so Vida goes te have a go on the stair lift with Gwladys. Murder kicks off, Gwladys wont give Vida a go, so she asks her fe a takie. She presses the Control Pad- one fe fast and one fe slow Olwyn moves back an observes, she knows whats comin? Vida jumps on too they are up they are down, Jack n Jill haven't a patch on Gwladys and Vida. Over the other side of the shop sparks are flying it's better than Bommie Night a beautiful array of colors. The bed that Bridie n Agnes are on is one of them that's split in the middle, so as Bridie is up one minute Agnes is down. Beryl's sittin on a Leather Urine Lav recliner chair, dreamin she'll get one when she wins the lottery. The lekky blows with the weight of Vida and Gwladys, sparks are all over the place theres mayhem. Morag feels ashamed wishing she hadn't asked them to come, an gets off outta the door on the scooter up London Road. The Salespeople are screamin runnin all over the shop. "Turn off the lekky" the girl shouts te the lad. He gets a shock! He's now got a perm like Ethel Summers! He only needs a purple rinse. The Police arrive!
I can't stop laughin with me nerves so, I can't blow me whistle! Olwyn starts fartin as she bends down te help Gwladys who come flying down the stairs off the stair lift. The shame of this ye can't take them anywhere! Eh at least if Agnes has a choir at her wedding and she needs someone te play instruments? Olwyn will do well as a "Trumphet".
We all get nicked in the back of a Police van. Upon arrival at the Bizzie Station who's takin the dabs only Gywinnie's fella Ken!
"Hello, Hello, Hello" are you my Gywinnie's opposition then? From the "Al Timers Club" well ye will certainly be doin time now won't ye if Speels press charges? "Get in there" we are all put in cells. Olwyn starts shoutin "Ring Onslo te get in touch with that Lord Fairchild fella, his daughter is a Barrister" "Well Olwyn girl theres 70 little fingers covered in black between us, an youv'e got ten of them so! I suggest ye do something use- full, you are exceptionally good with dabber pens, lets see how good ye ar with dabs eh? Play Dot te Dot n stop shoutin! Me heads bangin!" Agnes you just go asleep.
The rest of ye just shut up and that's an order. "Never again!"
And te top it all off Gwynnie Mellor gets the last laugh an another Gold Star off Winnie Partridge!

Love Auntie Peg!

As it's Saturday there is no Court until Monday and it's the "Al Timers Reunion" tomorrow night? Freda is on her way home arriving early hours from the U.S.A the girls were supposed te meet her at the Airport? Oh no there is a "Storm Brewin over the Copper Kettle" I can feel it me water! If Winnie Partridge tries te rob ar mate Freda, or Freda decides te snide off? Iv'e told Bridie we are all just gonna have te settle it, with The Al Timers an The Go-lightlys havin a Dance Off!

Quite surreal! There is also another blast from the past on the flight from the U.S.A? He's on his way home to see a few lads from the "Over the Hill Club" he's an old friend from Pope Pious School. They have a remarkable chat about Planes? Apparently the other week there was a diversion coming into Liverpool John Lennon Airport from Spain.

"The Flight of Harry n Dunc" The Thermal Vest and Long John Hoisters. But is their old friend what he seems?

"Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 5

© Clare Bostock 2006

Peg n Bridie sit in the Café discussin the forthcoming Clamp Club Meeting!

Bridie has organised a trip for those in the C.C known to us as the Clamp Club. Maggie Mooney was again listening at the bingo inte ar conversations. She went and told Winnie Partridge and sent an e-mail te ar Freda te tell her we were havin a clamp meetin. She thinks its morse code! What du ye think Winnie and Maggie turned up at their meetin at the "Over the Hill Girls Club" with a set of wheel clamps! I can't believe it meself, us girls havin stopped laughin fe a week. She thinks we ar goin "Wheel Clampin" Olwyn and Gwladys rang us and asked ar we goin Campin? Talk about Chinese Whispers! I tell ye what thee need te higher the volume on the earin aids.

As ye know fe those girls with long hair passed their ears, we have ar very own "V.I.P Clamp Club" everyone is dyin te join in. Bridie scouts around town fe new clamps she's had a few nice ones from St Johns Market. She is inte all the glittery ones, silver n gold and leopard skin n stuff! She has a different clamp fe every occasion, we were thinking of settin up ar very own "Bobble an Clip Club" Bobbles fe a change instead of clamps, an clips fe those with short hair and fringes.

Maggie Mooney tried last summer with the "Hair Net Club" when that fizzled out coz there wasn't much of a variety and thee cost too much, every time they wore them they were getting holes in so! That got threw outta the winder. The Over the Hill Girls always try te rob ar ideas, we too have a very own "Bead, bangle an Head Band Club". They ar gutted they wish they'd got the idea first.

But we ar with it! Just can't help being in with the new trend of the season. Bridie has a clamp with a fan on fe the Summer and one with an umbrella on in fe the rain.

I have one especially fe the winter with winder wipers on, te keep the snow outta me face when I'm waitin fe the bus, so the snow doesn't clog up me glasses.

We also thought that we would set up "The Polka Dot and Ballerina Pump Club" that's fe Thursday nights. We will team them up with ar different coloured sweat- bands or? Different coloured beads n bangles. I don't know yet?

I have also come across an oak "Companion Table" fe those girls who find it hard getting friends. Ferget that Friends Re-united the companion table does the trick. I tried out the B.C Bunion Corrector it didn't do much I had it on fe a couple of hours and me big toe is still bent.

Bridie has found a solution te her leaks an I don't mean the ones ye put in scouse, the incontinence pads at "Fragility Disability" don't seem te be workin? So! Beryl found a spray on e-bay fe leaks up drain pipes, chimneys and flu's! One spray a day and leaks away. Little did she know it wus fe D.I.Y until Morag read the label. She's had that Lazer Blazer treatment on her mince pies so! She's better at readin.

I am usin the companion table next week fe the Clamp Club meetin te show off Bridie's new collection, Olwyn an Agnes have fell out so! That should bring them tergether? I hope so. I have also come across a little Plazzy urine bottle, Winnie Partridge got it in the second hand shop on Scottie "Second Hand Rose" apparently thee had two so! I cued up at 8.00am before the shop opened te get in there first. Apparently its fe men and women so we can swop when we go on Charror Bang Day Trips te Chester Zoo!

Only! God help us if Jimmy Fisher gets a place on the bus? I'll hav te throw in a hoover air freshener te combat the smell or a plug in one at the top of the nozzle of the portable urine lav, I'll plug it in te the lighter socket on the charror!

Anyway wev'e made up a song fe the Charror which I want everyone te sing. Here goes!

Do your Plazzy beads hang low
Do thee wobble to an fro
Can ye tie them in a knot?
Can ye tie them in a bow?
Can ye throw them over ye shoulder
Even tho ye getting older
Do your beads hang low?
A pound a go, a pound a go!

Well girls I shall see ye on Friday at the "Clamp Club Meetin!"

Betty will be conductin the "Bead n Bangle Club" so! Places ar limited so make sure ye get there first.

Take care love Auntie Peg! God Bless Ye!

"Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronical 6

© 2010 Clare Bostock

"Take a Breath and Zimmer Down"

Right girls an update from ar last meetin', the Bead and Bangle Club has been a success so! I am very pleased about that , it will be a regular session at the Copper Kettle now every week. Betty is goin te conduct it so! Great! If anyone wants to give ideas, all ideas welcome. Bridie showed off her latest collection an' has got a few orders. The clamp I had with Winder Wipers on was her inspiration to now set up the "Four Seasons Hair Clamp Club" as summer ones are no good in winter. She wants te also do a range of plazzy rainhoods and brollies te match, all co-ordinated te dated.

We have decided to give the "Polka Dot and Ballerina Pump Club" a miss, so last season. Instead, the new trend is serposed te be knee high socks an hotpants, so! Hence the 'Al Timers' all headin' off te Lazer fe the school uniform look, school socks n gym knickers. And no Agnes, you don't put the knickers in the microwave te heat them up so thee become hot pants. The lads are included in this one so! Dickie Bows, ties, 'n' braces fe the fellas so Onslo will be impressed. Ar Morag has always fancied herself as a teacher with her havin' a degree an' them letters after her name so! Forgive her if she starts takin' the register at the beginning of the meetin', an slappin' ye knuckles with a ruler.

I want ye to give a bright -buttered -scone -welcome to a new member of the Copper Kettle, it's mine an' ar Bridie's sister, Cissy. As she's posh ye can put ye satin gloves on an' give a few "majesty waves" when she arrives an all. Cissy's very classy she is only petite like our Bridie an' wears real pearl earrings. She moved over to the Wirral with her George years ago when it wus too dear te live on the posh side, an the rest of were just scrapin' by. Cissy had a great job as the "Rubber Pump Tester" at Dunlop, she tested all the pumps in the Dunlop factory. Apparently she got the job because she wrote on her C.V her greatest achievement was coming first in the egg and spoon race when she was in the juniors, eh! She might be small but she can't half run, she'd give 'Maggie Moonlight -Flit' a run fe her money, so she must be good. As she's so classy she is gonna run "The Back te Basics Master Class" she is going te use the Oak Companion Table te try an get everyone tergether te try different "Race Against Time Solutions".

Ferget all these new products on the market te make ye look younger all Cissy uses is Witch Hazel. I always knew thee was sumethin funny when we were getting ready te go out an I'd rob her false eyelashes, she'd be rubbin' her face with cotton wool sayin "I'll put a spell on you" mmm! Ethel Summers will show her a few tricks with her dye wand for her purple rinse. An another thing, unlike ar Bridie, ar Cissy's had no help from Jimll-fix-it-te-tixit on Rodney Street, an no Agnes she's not me favourite sister I love em both the same. She has me mam's skin, I take after me Dar's side covered in aunt-twacne that's the nickname fe ar Rita who wus covered in spots and dressed in terrible clothes, so then again I must take after her.

Now a little spy tells us Wilnelia Postlethwaite at the Over The Hill Club is tryin te outdo Agnes with the zimmer. Apparently her Henry was sayin' at the bingo Wilnelia is on the Oxygen mask. I thought maybe it's all the ciggys off Maggie Moonlight with salt peta in them, fortunately for us we can have a go on Bridie's "puff It or snuff it" when we have run out of puff.

Betty went te see Wilnelia, wud ye believe it she's still smoking, she had thee Oxygen mask in one hand and twenty L&B lit up in between nicotine stained fingers in the other. Sorry Wilnelia you will never be a member of the Al Timers with stains like that, you are defo a no no, ye names coming off the waiting list. Also, as we are all pristine and ye know what we're like about personal hygiene, she only had her top turned inside out coz she'd dropped egg mayonnaise all over her top and what Betty thought wus cress. Later discovered was mould, when Wilnelia willingly offered an explanation of the top and she didn't want Betty to see her collection of breakfast, dinner and tea medals. Betty felt sorry for her after all she musn't get time te wash in between the oxygen mask and ciggys.

As Betty was leaving she visualised a little cabbage patch growing, lettuce and tomatoes, it brings a new meaning to life as a garden in bloom, on the inside of Wilnelia's top. She had been hungry half an hour before, suddenly, the pangs had become balking an' Betty couldn't wait te get out the door. Winelia offered te walk Betty out , Betty kept declining but she continued to insist.So! Out come the zimmer and as the oxygen mask and cylinder is on wheels, that came an all.

By the time thee got the front door, Betty checked her watch and realised she had missed the last bus home. She was not impressed. She left politely gutted and ended up sticking her red high heel in the air an hitched a lift from an Hells Angel. She has a date next week. I've told her about takin' lifts from strangers, wait until Morag hears about that, she'll be gutted, Betty's fella has a Harley and hers only has a moped.

"Oh well that's a discussion fe next week around the books at the 'Dab it n Nab It Bootle'" I'm saying nothing let her find out fe herself just in case thee come to blows at Kevin's Hairdressers on Scottie. Betty also mentioned ar Cissy is in town to Wilnelia an' will be runnin' the "Back te Basics Club" an as Wilnelia has enrolled fe sports day at the local church "Zimmer Frame Game" She wondered if she cud teach her a few tricks? All becoz she heard about the job in Dunlop and about Agnes on the Zimmer in Saint Anthony's Church, flying up an down the aisles practising fe the weddin' in the summer.

Everyone is welcome by the way te the sports day, there will be a few interesting games;The 'Plazzy Urine Bottle Race' where you have te fill it up run to the line without it spillin'- "What was that Agnes?", Use your imagination."Water of course". 'The Wheelchair Game ',the contestants have te run te the end of the room pick up their partner spin them round, do it ten times without getting dizzy. First one te tip over is out.

Well girls Olwyn won the "Guess The Weather" last week, ye very predictable girl. Piddlin down as usual so! You get te pick the more-ish biscuits te dunk in the Lady Grey next week- I fancy Bourbons meself.

Oh well! That's all fe today see ya next week , sendin ye lots of 'Majesty Waves' with bright blue satin gloves on.

Love Auntie Peg xx

God Bless Ya

"Copper Kettle Chronicles"

Chronicle 7

© Clare Bostock 2005-2008

"Forever Young"

Date: 24th July 2010
Meeting Place: Copper Kettle Café Scotland Road
Destination: Belfast Ireland- "The Irish Jiggers- Lets get Fitter instead of Fatter Class".

"The jist of the story"

Peg has called a meeting at the Copper Kettle, she's had a phone call from Betty Prendegasts best mate, Kathleen Maloney in Ireland "Betty is Bridie's long lost sister, who moved to Belfast when she was 21 and a half, they have offered the girls from the Al Timers club an opportunity they can't miss! An insight inte a keep fit class in Belfast, Ireland.

"Right! Lets get on, Peg has called a meeting at the Copper Kettle as she's had a phone call from Kathleen Maloney, Bridie's sister Betty's mate from Belfast. The two girls have been on the phone for 1 hour and 23 minutes 13 seconds, Peg had her clock on, she is gutted, she never made it to 1 hour and 30 minutes just te make it even. All the girls ar all excited and can't wait te go so! Peg wants everyone te get organized te t organized. "Right all sit down, Agnes put ye zimmer next te ye girl so Olwyn doesn't fall, she's forgot her glasses. Vida is all excited and brought an Irish flag with her, she is waving it at the back of the room.

As we ar goin te Ireland Iv'e decided there will be no tea or coffee terday girls, we ar havin Irish Coffee's instead, te get us in the mood. "Be careful Vida as you have been off the M&M's (Martini and Martell) fe a while now girl, Iv'e decided just te put a little dabble in for ye as I know ye go nuts on brandy.

I can't believe it Beryl as come dressed as a Unicorn, Oh girl ye can't take ye anywhere, please don't start doin the Irish Jig with Vida after the coffee's.

As you ar all aware, Kathleen Maloney has invited the Al Timers over te Ireland te see how they conduct their very own "Lets get fitter insteada fatter class" this is a great opportunity, their classes have a little bit of a twist, thee all wear tap dancing shoes, ye know how much tap dancing shoes bang so! All lower ye hearin aids before ye get in. If anyone talks and ye can't hear them, just nod and they'll think ye agree. As ye will probably end up with an headache? I've instructed Beryl te bring her first aid kit with her, I said te fill it up with paracetamol, plasters and butterfly stitches just incase the headache's splitting.

Just remember when we went the Empire te see Lord of the Dance with that Michael Flately fella, Agnes came out jumpin over bollards, well! She ended up head first in the fountain outside the Walker Art gallery, now she's on a Zimmer. That's what ye get fe tryin te be Princess of the Prance isn't it Aggie girl? So! Girls take heed and do as advised just look at Agnes and that will be a deterrant.

All wear ye gloves as I want ye te practice ye Majesty Wave when we leave from Birkenhead. Pretend ye on the Royal Yaught Britannia instead of a ferry, remember ye manners, just tell everyone we ar goin on a world class cruise an droppin in at Belfast.

Now listen! We will have te wear ar fluorescent bibs fe health n safety reason so I know where ye are, ye know ye might start wonderin around the decks during the night, especially Olwyn I have heard she sleep walks, an its even worse if the lekky goes an thee have fergot te buy a lekky card, I know that might sound extreme girls, but! Ye have te think of everything. I am a little reluctant since watching Titanic te get on boats so! I've decided te bring a few provisions just incase the boat sinks? Never say never?.

Right Bridie you can have the whistle, you will be okay, you've had enough collagen in ye lips te keep ye blowin, and I'm sure ye two little life rafts situated at the front of ye chest crafted by Jim'll-fixit- te tixit, that French Cosmetic Surgeon on Rodney Street te keep ye afloat. See I told ye one day thee would come in handy, didn't I.

Now Beryl, make sure you bring flippers and arm bands, I was gonna put ye on the whistle only them teeth Stanley bought ye on e-bay fall out, and that's no good tryin te blow in an emergency is it?

Agnes you can have the lilo, as ye can't walk at least ye can try an pull yerself on it if ye zimmer has te get lashed in the sea.

Olwyn you can have the binoculars and compass, ye will need the binoculars te see the compass if ye get lost at sea so! At least ye will know ye North from ye South and the East from the West, rememba the Copper Kettle girls know best so! The binoculars have a leather strap round them te tie round ye neck, so! If ye get washed ashore ye won't lose them, tough luck if ye sink. Remember what happened at the Vernon Prankster with the lazzie bands when ye were on the runnin machine? If yer've fergot I'll remind ye, ye nearly hyperventilated and ended up looking like that Lesley Bash! I know we are goin on a boat and there's every chance we might sink, but I still don't want ye endin up with a trout pout. It's no good fe ar image, we have enough with Winnie Partridge at the Bingo stinkin of finny addy girl! So! Don't have the strap too tight. Madge has had that lazer blazer treatment on her mince pies so! She has been picked as Captain, she is in charge and as she has a Degree an them letters after her name, I reckon she will get us all home safely and as she's had the lazer blazer treatment, I reckon she qualifies fe night vision an all? I'm not too sure? Tough Luck if yer don't wanna be Captain an in charge Madge, you have got the title now, an ye stuck with it.

Gwladys, you can have the rubber ring seeing as tho you think ye an Angel, an it also looks like an Halo, coz I am most sure ye will be prayin if we go over board and end up lost at sea. Lets be hopin ye don't get left behind.

Lily your on the oars, as you have now gone on the Ventolin like Bridie so! You will have no problem rowin, an I hear ye Dad come from Cambridge, so ye know what they are like up there, all posh te tosh and there great in boat races. Sorri? What was that Lily girl? Ye jokin!? Cambridge Road Bootle, I'll have te get new batteries fe me earing aid, I don't believe it. Tough ye will just have te pretend as I know he wus a Teacher.

Right! We will all practice ar ship is sinkin an I'm gonna drown wave, so! Make sure ye get it right girls or plain an simple ye dead girls.

We will have a few codes in ar I'm gonna drown waves, as each one will represent which way we ar divin, listen carefully an ye will swim like a Mermaid.

I have also brought rubber gloves, a pair each, ye know how particular I am about nails an soft palms. I want them pristine fe when ye shakin hands with the new members of the Copper Kettle. If you are all bloated up an purple, at least ye hands will be dry and not washed out with the salt water, ye don't want fingers like prawns believe me I should know. Winnie Partridge got her finger stuck up the cold water tap tryin te reach fe the Radox her backside was stuck to the suctions on the bath mat, she'd fergot to turn it upside down before she got in.

Now Vinny Mellor tryin te get it out, took a whole pound of Pura Lard an a whole lot a tuggin, now everyone looks at her suspicious when she offers handshakes thee jump back in amazement and then decide thee will go fe air hugs instead.

When we are on the ship I shall call ye on the decks fe Morse Code Practice, ye all must attend, all wear ye life jackets that are provided in ye room, if its windy we will need te know which way te jump if we ar sinkin as we don't wanna knock each-other out, when we are goin overboard.

Rite its only Beryl that does the Doggy Paddle so! Make sure she gets in the lifeboat first, I have bought us each extendable wristbands from MOTHERCARE, it doubles are chances if we get flung overboard, but! We will have te go in weight rotate as we don't want anyone pullin us over.

Maggie Moonlight Flit has asked can she come, I've told her she has te wear shoes, ye know what she's like she runs that fast she thinks she can walk on water.

Ar Cissy has arranged te meet us from the Wirral, as she's posh te tosh she is getting a taxi te the terminal, tough we ar on the Charror. I am gonna bring the plazzy urine bottle incase we need the lav, just raise ye right arm in the air if ye feel the need te go.

Right! We will practice our I'm gonna drown wave with the rubber gloves on, if the boat sinks we wanna do it with class so! All on the decks at 6.03pm precisely, the water will be freezing so at least when ye fall in, ye know how posh we are and we all wish we were related te the Queen. Well! At least one thing good will come if we sink, ye will end up with Blue Blood. I am not sure about Ada Baxter as she has only just joined the Al Timers, she lives by the Crown Boozer Norris Green, even tho its demolished I think she will qualify, as do those who go to Just-in White the private Dentist as he does crowns and all, as does anyone who smokes Regal and Royals.

Make sure all of ye cases ar co-ordinated- te dated, pad around ye cases with ye incontinence pads, I think ye will have te double pad as with this Credit Crunch Fragility Disability are skimpin on the absorbent materials, I think thee ar makin two pads outta one so! At least ye will have extra protection if ye ar bringing home souvenirs, thee also come in handy if there is any leaks in ye portholes as a water tight barrier and a great protection from floodin. Tough if yerve used them ye will have te drip.

Bridie's Granddaughter Pompagne has downloaded Ferry across the Mersey for us to sing when we are leavin from Birkenhead, but I have decided its not posh enough so we are gonna sing Rule Britannia instead.

Right all stand up and move side to side ye need te get used te the swayin, I'll bring some anti-sickness tablets te put in the First Aid Kit incase ye get sea- sickness, but if ye practice hard enough ye will get used the rockin. Aggie girl you will have te go forward and back, as you are on a zimmer it'll make it easier for ye.

Right! Ye know how fussy we are with food so! I'll be bring some sardines, tuna an mackerel, Winnie put me off prawns since I seen the state of her fingers, I'll also so bring mussels they will help maybe with our fitness, give you a bit of a head start. I wont bring meat fe a reason, as I want ye te get used te the fish, as it's the only thing ye will be eatin if ye get lost at sea and its vital fe survival. I'm not sure whether there are any Sharks in the Irish sea girls or the Mersey girls lets be hopin there isn't. I will also bring Cod Liver Oil Liquid te rub on ye muscles, apparently it'll make swim faster. As we are not mentioning meat, I wont say whether that's porkies, it could be fishies I don't know but we will have a try. Fish is supposed te be good fe eyesight, so that should be an advantage when ye looking out fe dry land.

There is supposed te be a Poker table on the Ferry, I know ye all like a flutter so! All practice ye Poker Face in the mirror before ye go down.

Well! As time is running out I shall conduct part two on Thursday, we will all sit down at the Companion table and hold hands fe the session, I want ye te practice holding hands with ye partner as I want ye te trust eachother completely. After all girls if the boat sinks, the person te ye left, is the one ye will probably kick the bucket with, sorry if that sounds a bit morbid, but that's reality girls.

As there is only two more weeks to go till the trip, Vida suggested she wants te be Carol Vorderman so! We are gonna play Countdown. Instead of using my usual Rainbow Tick List I've decided we will go in weight rotate instead of age, at least we will get in line quicker on the deck if there is a chance we need to dive overboard.

I shall see you all on Thursday Love Auntie Peg xxxx